Searching for Answers

Today I need to vent. 

I'm having a bad week...make that a bad year. The reality is I have a lot going on at once that is dragging me down emotionally. 

Who knew job hunting could be so stressful?! The fact of the matter is - I chose to be specialized in Women's Health because that is my passion. Unfortunately, this field is not thriving with job openings right now. And it isn't just my city...its my long distance classmates struggling too. Several classmates have decided they are willing to relocate for a job offer. I however, am not. 

So here we are. 

I graduated with my MSN in August and I passed my boards in September and have been looking for a job ever since. I've gone on interviews...loved some...hated some. I've applied to jobs I have no interest in just to "try" to get hired as a new graduate NP. You would think places would consider your years of RN experience - but frankly they don't. All they want is experience in your current certification but no one wants to be the opportunity for you to start gaining that experience. 

"Be patient", "It will all work out", "Everything is going to be ok", "Don't give up", "The right job will come"...

Well, I have been patient - for 7 months! I've been waiting on my last interview to make a decision for 3 weeks now (apparently they aren't sure if they want me or an MD). The right job did come - but what good is it if you never get the offer? 

Reality is it is expensive to have 3 kids in a reputable daycare. We never assumed I'd be staying at home. We never assumed I'd get through grad school and not be able to work with my qualifications. I have prayed and prayed for answers...for the right job to come along...for my chance of getting my foot in the door. 

Nothing.

Just tears, anxiety, pressure, doubt, feelings of being worthless, not being able to provide for your family. 

So now we are the crossroads of deciding what to do. Do I give it more time? If so, how much longer? Do we pull the girls out of daycare and let me be a stay at home mother until they all reach elementary school? We are very very close to the latter. 

Of course I'd love to stay at home and not work. Who wouldn't?! But then what was the point of all that education and schooling if it isn't used. If unanswered prayers are God's way of saying "wrong direction - stay home", then why go through all those tests, papers, presentations, and certifications? Why did I leave my babies at such a young age to do clinicals if it doesn't even matter?

I have been doing a lot of analyzing over the thoughts of becoming a stay at home mom (for at least the next 6 years). I'd love to have all the time in the world with my girls! I'm their mother - why pay someone else to raise them 5 days a week? They would definitely be sick much less without daycare! We would be able to go on more family outings, vacations, and enjoy their childhood. Family is the absolutely most important thing to me.

But I have doubts about pulling them out of school. Can I teach them enough of what they need to learn before Kindergarden (including Bible teachings & Spanish)? Won't they miss their friends? What about Reese's ballet class? What about Cody and the stress it puts on him to be the sole provider (although he has been for several years now it wasn't supposed to be permanent). Who will want to hire me in 6 years with no more experience than I have now + the added fact I'll probably forget everything by then. Am I giving up?

I wish I knew the magic answer. Cody wishes he knew the magic answer. Have faith & pray - I am. I have been. That isn't solving the problem. 

If you're still reading this, I could use some words of wisdom because I don't know what to do.